Thursday 29 December 2011

Being Indian: Gender Discrimination

I'm sure that as a woman, it is only expected that I write something about gender discrimination. The entire discussion of gender equality has been done to death and therefore I'm not going dwell on it. What really bugs me however is gender stereotyping. Boys don't cry, men don't gossip, women love commitment and so on.

When I browse through Facebook, I often find these lists and posts that pin specific characteristics on a gender. There are a number of lists about things men should know about women and vice versa. What men and women like. How they behave in relationships. Social networking sites are practically self-help books with dating tips. The sad part about this entire thing is that if a man expected me to have these qualities, he would be more than disappointed.

I don't take 45 minutes to shower. I have had a bigger fear of commitment than some men I have dated. I have not been planning my wedding since I was 10. I don't expect you to pay the bill on a first date, in fact, I would be offended if you did. I believe chivalry is not just a man's job. I don't fancy muscular men, bar fights and trash talk. I like fart and poop jokes. And yes, I'm very much a woman.


Now, I have been told by many that maybe I'm the exception and not the rule. Some men even tell me that they get along with me more because I'm not very feminine. What I'm trying to say is that even with these gender stereotypes, my lack of femininity gives me brownie points. But when it comes to masculinity, the stereotyping is a lot more aggressive and is strongly reinforced by the media.

Men are expected to be strong in every way – physically and emotionally. The ideal image of a man in advertisements and film is that of a muscular and well trimmed man who has great physical strength and is less likely to get into a situation, he can't fight his way out of. Emotionally, men are portrayed as less communicative – they are rarely seen in situations where they are vulnerable. The media projects an image of a man who is unreal and predictable – creating a pseudo standard by which we measure the real men we interact with.

What agonizes me the most is that I feel that by pushing this stereotype on the men we meet in the real world, we are denying them the opportunity to live up to their full potential of feeling and understanding certain natural emotions. I honestly like men who tear up during an emotional discussion. I have seen many men cry and not once have I felt that these men are not masculine enough. Also, I have found myself tongue-tied during emotional conversations wherein the men have actually led the talk to a productive conclusion. While physical appearances are a personal choice, for me bulky muscular bodies are a complete turn off. And still there are articles circulating the web telling men that women like their men muscular.

Thank you for taking the time to speak on my behalf but I'd rather you not.


The birth of these lists and posts comes from the age old obsession of the two genders trying to understand one another. I solely think the problem arises when you attempt to understand somebody based on their gender rather than plain simple human beings. Yes, scientifically, I will suck at driving whenever I learn to do that. But analysing my likes, dislikes and habits based on my gender has no logic at all. A friend of mine recently saw my room and exclaimed that for a woman, I was quite messy. The truth is for a human being, I'm very messy. I have no sense of cleanliness whatsoever and it is not because I'm less feminine. I'm simply lazy and have less discipline when it comes to keeping my room clean.

I have met many kinds of men and women. I never have trouble understanding most of them because as a mish-mash of these so called masculine and feminine characters, I feel that these traits belong to people of both genders. There will always be exceptions to the rules because there are no rules. The only things these so called rules do is create false expectations not only from others but from ourselves.

Some part of me hopes that these lists were created in absolute humour with the sole intention of making people laugh. But then again blogs like these make me realize that there is a huge market out there that relies on these gender stereotypes. Sadly, we are in that market and until we realize that all this is a bunch of rubbish, we will probably expect every woman to gossip and every man to fear commitment.

Monday 26 December 2011

Being Indian: Dignity of Labour



I grew up with an engineer for a father, a teacher for a mother and an extended family full of educators, doctors and scientists. I remember when I was 8, my sister was 15 and just out of high school. She was the first one to take up Commerce as her specialization in 11th Std. At that point, I realized just how “science-oriented” my family was. I loved chemistry and mathematics, maybe because while I was growing up, I would pretend to be one of my mother's students while she took tuitions at home. Surprisingly, I just about passed in History. Despite that, I went on to study Arts in my 11th and 12th.

My parents never questioned my chosen path. I received a lot of criticism from an uncle (a scientist) who insisted that if I wanted to get into psychology (my then interest), I should do it through science as there was more money and scope for science. I stuck to my decision and completed my arts course. I went on to take up journalism and psychology in my degree. Less than two years into college, I realized being in an institution and studying just didn't work for me. I found myself bunking college and reading through huge psychology books at coffee shops. Attendance shortage, fines and being locked inside college against my will till 3 pm regardless of whether there was class or not eventually led me to quit and start doing random intern-ships and jobs.

I trained and worked in a lot of publications back then. I clearly remember at this point, I got into a huge argument with the same uncle. He claimed that working in a newspaper took very little effort and talent and that the humanities by itself are a complete waste of manpower. I stopped him and very simply asked him if he subscribed to a newspaper.


We often study about the cruelties of the caste system. In some parts of the country, the caste system in it's original ugly self still exists. But I think a more prevalent problem in this society is the lack of dignity of labour. The instances I mentioned above are fairly trivial to the larger picture. Another situation could cite a better example. Recently, I was at a friend's place attending a small party of sorts. Just before I took leave, the conversation was about maid servants and their inherent quality of stupidity.

A lady in her late 40s went on to say “Maids are born to be maids. They are not equipped to do better.”

I sat in disgust as I dined with this woman. I listened as the conversation went on into bickering about their maids incapability to take simple instructions. I have heard many people bitch about their maids. I too have, especially when I started finding money missing from my pockets. But to judge an entire group of people based on their occupation reminded me a little too much of the caste system. I really wanted to ask this woman why she was hiring somebody else to do a job that was apparently so insignificant?

Another day she named an MNC and asked me how they could hire her maid's daughter since she couldn't even speak decent English. I had kept quiet the other day and decided I could not do that again and told her that not all jobs in this country depend on English speaking skills. After all, English isn't even our native language.

This is the thought that fails me. How does speaking English make one superior? Isn't the objective of language communication? I myself am quite ashamed that I think in English and can't fluently speak a single Indian language. We are all for supporting movements that promote education for all, but where is that support when it comes to practising dignity of labour?


The above example is one of many. The way we deal with the people in our system highly reflects our thoughts. The maid servant, the watchman, the auto driver and many more are all people we take for granted in society. We assume that the reason they have those jobs is because they are uneducated, poor or simply don't know better. The sad part of it all is that we benefit greatly from the services of these people every day. I never fail to thank my maid servant as she leaves home every morning.

The traffic policeman is another person that I feel bears the brunt of this disgusting Indian habit. We hate all of them because we bumped into a few that offered to take bribes from us. Our policemen are highly underpaid. They are made to work long hours without breaks to eat or answer nature's calls. At the end of it, they have to somehow put up with us. All of us, in a hurry to get places that we forget lane discipline. We ride onto the zebra crossing before the pedestrians even get a chance to cross the street. We don't always wear our helmets. We are proud to drink, drive and get away with it and in the end we blame the police because they are under staffed. Who would want to be a policeman? Long hours, less pay and the worst of it, the public treats you like scum.

A trend is coming together. Over time, we are putting engineers, doctors and entrepreneurs on a pedestal. No doubt, these are noble jobs. The point is all of them are. We are all a part of this system and we all put in the same amount of effort. Dignity of Labour is defined as respecting all jobs equally. But when I see the way we treat each other, I can only see that we define dignity based on our incomes forgetting that if we didn't have one another, our lives would simply fall apart.




Friday 23 December 2011

Being Indian: Sexuality


It's a three letter word. It has so much do with life and yet we choose not to talk about it. It's use is abundant in adjective form. In the movies, in the tabloids, on the streets. India is a country with a raging population of over a billion people. The way things are going I wonder how these people got here. Since nobody's ever talking about sex.

My experiences with this word have been many. Right from my teens, there was that aunt who didn't let me watch a Toni Braxton video on MTV. Or that time she told me Friends was a bad tv show. Of course, there is the awkward experience of reading an illustrated book that explained the act of sex when I was 11. I had just hit puberty. And of all the ways to educate me on the subject, I was given a book. A dirty book.

I remember clearly stumbling upon my mother's lingerie when I was a child and she would hurriedly put it away saying I wasn't the right age. I never remember asking my parents where I came from. I guess even as a child I knew that here and now wasn't the time to ask questions. That I think is the biggest problem with the current society.

Today, 26 years old, I understand everything there is to know about sex. And I believe that the road to now could have been a lot smoother. I wish that my mother had sat me down and told me everything about sex. Approaching the subject objectively, warning me that if sex must be practised, it should be practised safely. I wish she had told me that I was going to start growing breasts so when they came I wouldn't be ashamed of them but embrace them. I wish she had told me that one day I was going to start bleeding, so I didn't think I was dying.



Nobody's ever talking about sex here. I visited a gynaecologist early 2011 and in my appointment, I asked her what kind of birth control I should use.

She very confidently said “Once you get married, sex will be safe.”

How does a legal written document or a ceremonial procedure make sex safe? A perfect case of moral policing, this doctor thought it was better to advice me on what is right and wrong morally rather than look out for my physical well-being. Pre-marital sex is often frowned upon in this country. The ironic thing is that it is so rampant that the frequency of abortions is very high. I know many women who have had abortions, some in their early weeks and some very painfully past their trimester.

In fact, I have had an abortion. When I think of pain, I think the most that I have gone through is minutes after inserting that tablet up my vagina. I went through it with my mom on my side who thought it was a mere heat stroke. I never told her because I was ashamed. I thought that despite being so aware of the dangers of having unprotected sex, I had made such a stupid mistake. Months after the dreadful life changing procedure, I started talking. I discovered that many women around me went through the same thing. They were all ashamed for the same reason. I realized I wasn't alone.

At that point I realized this country has got to start talking about sex. Yes, the i-pill advertisements are quite the progress. But any open-minded gynaecologist will tell you that taking an i-pill Is asking for disaster. I myself have had migraines and 14 day long periods just because I took an I pill. Where are the PSAs about birth control? About condoms? Where are the instances of abortions and safe pre-marital sex in our Indian soaps? Why is it that I'm a large part of a majority and still portrayed as a minority?

I am no longer ashamed. I was 24 when I had to get an abortion. I was not financially or emotionally stable enough to raise a child. I made the right choice. And many people would agree with that. Why bring a child into this world if you don't have the responsibility to raise him/her? Think about it.


I recently had the most interesting online conversation with a writer from Mumbai about sexuality. I asked him what he thought of homosexuality and his response was quick. He said that when people are unable to find partners of the opposite sex, they just turn to their own sex. As a bi-curious person, I gasped and wondered how somebody who was a writer, a person with an inspirational role could say something so ignorant. When I told him that I myself might be bisexual, he started questioning me. If I had kissed a woman, if I had licked a cunt. Soon into the conversation I realized that on the other end of this network was a man with his dick in his hand. I stopped discussing my sexual life with him. He said he needed research for his book because he wanted to add a few sexual chapters and hadn't had sex.

I went on to give him links to erotic stories that I had written when I was experimenting with the genre. I had found that writing erotica was challenging. A little too challenging. I didn't know if it was my lack of knowledge in the kinky areas of life or that my metaphors had run out, I had only 2 stories to my credit. I shared it with him and told him that if I found any kind of plagiarism I would sue his sorry ass. He insisted that I tell him in conversation how my love making sessions went. I refused. Minutes later he turned around and said “This is not Indian culture” He compared me to Silk Smitha and said I would deserve a similar death. I went on to ask “What the fuck is Indian Culture?” to which he responded by saying I had abused his country and that I was a bitch.

Now, here's what I find absolutely disgusting about this experience. The minute I told him I could be bisexual he started to hit on me. I have had similar experiences before. Sharing my erotic writings with fellow writers have turned into misinterpreted invitations for sex. When men say they like big boobs, do you see me putting on a padded bra and asking them out? No. What is so wrong with a woman being open about her sexuality? And the worst is that this writer from Mumbai thought that writing erotica was wrong. We all know that a majority of people indulge in visual pornography if not written. Why the sudden hypocrisy?

At the end of this rant, I very plainly ask. What is so wrong about talking about sex? Isn't that how you and me got here? Isn't it a natural urge in life? There are a number of crimes in this country that arise from lack of sex education. When are we going to wake up? We have a serious problem with the lack of family planning and birth control. Our resources are limited. All I can say if there's no better time, it's now that we've got to start talking about sex, baby!